“Hi, how can I forgive an infidelity and betrayal by my partner of 30 years, who has since left me? It has been a year since she left and I still have strong emotions; shock, sorrow, anger, grief, confusion that will not go away.
I think about her every day and at night. My partner is 72 years old, survived cancer 2x while we’ve been together and has been professing her love to me all these years; telling me she looked forward to our future together. (I am 10 years younger.)
I need to forgive, for myself more than for her-to lift this weight from my heart. Any advice would be appreciated.” ~ Barbra, Trenton, NJ
Having been divorced, I empathize with the pain you’re experiencing. For me, it helps to remember that forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves, not to others. The longer you hold on to the anger, the betrayal and the pain, the longer you will hurt. Let it go.
Regardless of the situation and the story, regardless of blame, fault or responsibility, forgive your former partner and yourself. Then, let it go and move on. Will there be times when she crosses your mind? Yes. Will there be times when you still feel pain? Yes. However, the more you focus on the present and what you choose for the future, the easier it will be to let go and put this situation behind you.
I’ve found that it helps to let go of the drama and of the story as well. Don’t talk about what happened with friends. Don’t look for sympathy from your mutual friends. Instead, spend your time and your energy creating what you want, not regretting the decisions and events of the past.
Remember that what we focus on grows. Thinking about painful situations today will only bring you pain in your life tomorrow.
Look at the energy you are putting into this situation. I’ve edited your question above as it was lengthy and quite emotionally charged. I realize it’s painful for you; however, the more you write about it and talk about it, the longer the pain will last. Know that when you change your focus, you will change your end result.
My breakup was painful and I felt like my heart was being ripped in two. However, I decided that I would choose to heal quickly and I changed my focus. It can be that easy- but it’s a decision that you get to make. If you believe it will take you years to heal, you’re right, it will. If you think you can heal in a week, you’ll be right again, and you can.
For me, I let go of the relationship emotionally and decided to focus on what I wanted instead. Within a few weeks, I met the man of my dreams, who has been my beloved husband for the last 6 years. It all happened because of a choice to not suffer any longer. It truly can be that easy, by just making the choice to change your focus.
So, Barbra, go cry, get it out and then let it go. Bless your former beloved and all that you learned from the relationship. Forgive her and then forgive yourself too. Then stand up, brush yourself off, look in the mirror and see your beauty inside and out, and realize that you are a child of God, divine in every way. You have the power to choose happiness. What lies in your past doesn’t have the power to determine your future unless you allow it to do so.
Barbra, go focus on today and create something to enjoy in the moment. Do something special for you. Then get up and do it again tomorrow. And from this, healing will begin.
I wish you well and look forward to hearing about the joy in your life, very soon.