How Self Esteem May Be Holding You Back

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  • I recently read an interesting excerpt from the book NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. The book focuses on teaching and parenting styles, but I think it also provides an interesting glance into the power of self-empowerment over self-esteem. Let me try to explain how I see the difference between self-esteem and self-empowerment.

    Self-esteem comes from the praise of others, therefore it is outside ourselves and something we can not control. Self-esteem is based on the belief in unchanging facts, like “you are smart.” Self-esteem is a noun. It is a descriptor.

    On the other hand, self-empowerment comes from a drive to do better. Self-empowerment is based on continual growth in ability, knowledge, and skill. Self-empowerment is an active verb. It is a state of being.

    When we wear a label of self-esteem and then the label is jeopardized, we lose belief in ourselves, we feel judged, and we feel like giving up. For instance, if I said I was good at chess and then played against the current world chess champion, I would feel like a failure. More importantly, this would not only affect how I felt about my chess ability but it would also affect how I see my self-worth. If I no longer believed I was good at chess, it would also affect my drive, e.g., thoughts like “I’m no good, why should I even try.”

    When we view life as an experience, as a constant quest for improvement, we activate self-empowerment. We accept that sometimes we lose, fail, or are not as good as the guy next to us. But the focus is not on the outcome. The focus is on how we are playing the game and how we are learning from the game. In the chess example above, someone working from self-empowerment would see the experience as an opportunity to learn from a master and therefore improve their game. The loss would not affect their self-worth. Plus an added bonus is that your brain grows as you tackle new challenges. The more we try, even if we fail, we are improving our mental capacity.

    Where are you acting from self-esteem? Where do you wear the label given to you by someone else or by yourself?

    Where do you operate from a state of self-empowerment? Where do you release the role or title and simply learn and grow in the experience?

    How do you experience these two differently?

    Melissa Heisler

    Melissa Heisler is a Stress Reduction Expert. After 10 years managing and directing theatrical productions followed by a Masters in Integrated Marketing Communication and 17 years in corporate marketing, the stress of high pressure, deadline driven jobs led to her own ill health mentally and physically. This started her search for a long-lasting means of approaching each situation with more ease, contentment, and power. Melissa is committed to guiding professionals to improve their health, increase their mental clarity, easily deal with difficult people, and find peace in their current jobs all through reducing their stress levels. Melissa is the host of The Empowerment Show and also a contributing author for the books, Be There Now: Travel Stories From Around the World and Defining Moments: A Gathering of Women’s Journeys. Her first solo book, From Type-A to Type-ME: A Framework for Stress Reduction is being published in 2014. She has also contributed to Experiences of the Light, to be published by Career Press / New Page Books in 2014.

    For more information, please visit itsmylifeinc.com.

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