Surrender Equals Peace

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  • The other night I had such a moment of clarity and sense of surrender that it took my breath away.

    I was listening to a track from West Side Story, “Somewhere” (Music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim). Here are a few lyrics:

    There’s a time for us,
    Some day a time for us,
    Time together with time spare,
    Time to learn, time to care,
    Some day!
    Somewhere.

    We’ll find a new way of living,
    We’ll find a way of forgiving
    Somewhere . . .

    As I listened to the lyric: ‘we’ll find a way of forgiving’, my epiphany came with the thought; maybe the reason I couldn’t give up the anger, pain, and guilt years after my husband’s suicide, was because I still loved him… was I still in love with him?

    What if I surrendered my guilt, rage, and pain? What if I let the love sleeping in my heart awaken and breathe? And the moment I tried that on… peace began to enter my being. The indescribable loss began to ebb.

    Suicide survivors feel shame at the action of their loved one. Feel anger that the person abandoned them. And excruciating pain at the loss. We feel guilty about the fact that somehow we couldn’t stop it, couldn’t save the person who took their own life.

    For every one time that my husband disappointed me, lied to me, drank too much, was irresponsible, there were ten times (in our thirty years together) that we laughed, played, supported and loved each other.

    Those times should count for more than the bad times.

    I can’t go back and change what happened. But, I can change how I perceive it, how I feel about him and his actions. I can change ME! Why would I want to carry this around with me? I’m doing something wrong if, after seven years, the pain and anger has not subsided. Now that I am acknowledging my undying love for him, the pain is fading.

    I believe in the hereafter. For seven years I had fantasized about when I would see my husband again; how I would wail on him, tell him what an a–hole I thought he was. What a coward he was for leaving me. We were supposed to grow old together and he abandoned me and our life together.

    Now? All I want to do is run into his arms!

    Trisha Sugarek

    Author, playwright, and poet, Trisha Sugarek has been writing for four decades. Her writing had focused on stage plays that ranged from prison stories to children’s fables. She has expanded her body of work to include two books of poetry, a group of children’s books and her debut novel, Women Outside the Walls.

    She has enjoyed a thirty year career in theatre as an actor and director. Originally from Seattle, she has worked in theatres from coast to coast and her plays have been produced across the country and abroad. Trisha lives in Savannah, Georgia with her two golden retrievers and her kitten, Wild Thang. She is currently at work on her second novel, Wild Violets.

    Released in 2012, a series of 26 “ShortN’Small” short plays, small casts which are used in classrooms in this country and internationally. Trisha has written 45 play scripts.
    Her children’s books are in AUDIO-books now for your smart phone or iPad. Stanley, the Stalwart Dragon is first and is available on amazon.com, iTunes.com and audible.com.

    She has published Monologues 4 Women, a collection of original, contemporary soliloquies for the strong female actor. Several are written specifically for the African-American actress. A chapter on the ‘dos and don’ts’ of auditioning and several classical monologues completes the collection.

    Trisha’s plays and books can be found on her website, writeratplay.com.

    For more information, please visit writeratplay.com.

    View all posts by Trisha Sugarek.

    1. Raye Adkins
      Raye Adkins says:

      Thank you for sharing your heart and journey with so many who may need your story. I believe that God gives us the ability to remember the good in our lives so we can continue our lives in a way that give glory and honor to Him. My only son died in 2011 at the age of 46. I have so many wonderful memories of my son and God’s word promies me that I will see John again and, this time it will be for eternity. What can get better than great memories and God’s immutable promises! Blessings for the joyful journey in your life.

      Reply
    2. Irisheyesaresmiling
      Irisheyesaresmiling says:

      I heard a very wise Catholic nun say this about suicide a while ago. She said, “some people are so sad, they just can’t be on this earth any longer. I believe God takes care of these people.” I found great comfort in that. I hope you do as well.

      Only one person is responsible for the suicide, and that is the person who carries out the act.. No one can stop anyone from leaving this earth, if that is indeed that person’s mission. Please don’t blame yourself. There is no one to blame, it just is.

      Reply
    3. Trisha Sugarek, Author
      Trisha Sugarek, Author says:

      Thank you, Irisheyes…. It took me years to give up the guilt…I had rescued him from himself for so many years….why didn’t I see it coming?? A million questions. He was lost and this was
      his exit. I had very little or nothing to do with it. Thanks for taking the time to send your words of caring! Trish

      Reply
    4. Raye Adkins
      Raye Adkins says:

      Dear Trisha,
      My only child, my dearest friend, my confidant died in 2011. Please find my story of strength posted as, “Why I Wore My Yellow Dress.” by O. Raye Adkins. I pray for you the peace that I have been given through my son’s love and sweet memories. I sense that you have done so!
      Abundant Blessings

      Reply

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