Divorce is one of the most difficult transition periods in life. Not only is it losing the dream of something that once was, it’s also dealing with anger, rejection, failure and an incredible fear of the unknown. That uncertainty can cause our inner defense mechanism to kick into high gear and have us think thoughts of revenge and destruction that we wouldn’t normally think.
Yesterday I talked with my friend Rob (not his real name), whose parents are going through a very nasty divorce. I felt somewhat qualified to listen and help him, for ten years ago I too went through one of the most difficult times in my life, a bitter divorce.
What I’ve learned is that as satisfying as it may feel at that moment, taking your anger and frustration out on the other person doesn’t ultimately help and can be damaging in ways that can have lasting consequences.
As hard as it may be to think of at this stage, remember that we brought our partner into our life for a reason. At one point we loved that person enough to marry them and plan to spend the rest of our life with them. For some of us, we had children with this person too and built a life together.
Yes, it’s incredibly painful when that falls apart- especially if you weren’t the one who initiated the split. I believe it’s pretty natural to feel anger and resentment towards your former mate, but that doesn’t help to resolve things and move on in life. Remember, what we focus on is what grows, so why not focus on something more positive?
Rob and I talked extensively about his parents’ situation and it brought my own personal experience back to me in such a vivid way. My ex and I were at war for years. I lost a period of my life living in fear of being homeless, losing my children, not knowing what I’d do and experiencing a general feeling of terror whenever his name came up. I learned to hate litigation and attorneys. All because of fear.
Fortunately my ex and I were able to resolve our differences several years ago, and for that I’m incredibly grateful. It was a painful few years of wasted energy for both of us.
I went to bed last night with Rob’s situation on my mind, and woke during the night with a dream. Before I share the dream, I have to give you a bit of background….
One of our Luminaries, Marci Shimoff, shared a story with me of a woman who was very ill with lupus. Instead of cursing her own situation, this woman decided to bless others. Wherever she went she shared this blessing, most times silently:
May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may the blessings of life come to you with ease.
She would bless the waiter at her favorite restaurant and the stranger in front of her in line at the grocery store. She had no way of knowing if the blessing made a difference in their lives or not, but within six months she no longer had lupus. Her doctors called it a medical miracle.
Last night in my dream, I saw Rob’s parents getting up each morning and saying the above blessing FOR EACH OTHER. Instead of wishing each other would disappear from the planet, they did the most difficult thing possible, and reached out with love. Nothing else changed within their negotiating strategy, but yet everything changed. The energy around the entire situation that in effect permeated the whole family, changed from one of fear and trepidation to one of peace and contentment- just from each parent saying this blessing each time they thought of their warring spouse.
Do I know that this will work, because after all, this was just a dream, right? No, I can’t know that it will make a positive change but I w
holeheartedly believe that it will. I believe that in my own painful divorce if I’d been blessing my ex instead of cursing him some of that goodness would have to have rubbed off on my own life.
My own situation only shifted when I changed my attitude and came from a place of love. I learned that rather than filling myself with the nastiness of a toxic attitude, a change in my thinking could improve the situation.
This could sound too easy and too simple to work. I’m not suggesting you be passive and just think nice things and everything will work out, but rather be strong but come from a conscious place of love. Knowing that there’s little to lose by trying it, I think it’s worth a shot. I’m going to pass this blog along to Rob and invite him to share this with his parents.
I’m imagining a world where people can disagree, but where love is always the answer. If we are all connected- especially in a family, can’t we find a way to solve conflict through love? What if instead of being fearful and selfish we created fair solutions that divided the pie in such a balanced way that one person got to divide it and the other got to choose which piece they wanted? I imagine our dividing ability would become a much better honed skill than it currently is.
From a place of having been there, my sincere advice to anyone going through divorce or litigation is simple- bless your opponent. Put love back into the equation- even if you’re the only person doing so. Let go of the hatred and the need to “get even”. Love is always the answer.
Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me- is more than just a lyric from a song. Make it your way of life. Look where you have conflict and add love. Send a simple blessing to the person you’d least like to bless and watch what happens in your own life.
I’m excited to hear your stories of what’s worked in your life. Please share them with me below.
In the meantime, know that you are loved and appreciated. And…
May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may the blessings of life come to you with ease.
Thank you for writing this and reminding me of the single most important thing. Love is the answer. I changed my e-mail signature to the tagline “may you be safe, may you be happy…”
I love your message…..but how do people in these situations combine blessing their estranged spouse and protecting themselves legally?
Divorce will always lead to depression and anger towards the other party. As much as possible avoid divorce,.`