“I’m disappointed by the lack of honesty in the world today. Recently I’ve had one promise after another broken by various individuals. Does anyone value honesty any more?” ~ Stephen, San Diego, CA
Dear Stephen,
Feeling that others are dishonest is a sign that your expectations are not aligned. It’s important to clearly communicate what you expect to happen and what you’re willing to do to help make it happen.
You have two choices:
1. You can be right. That means that the other person must be wrong if they can’t or won’t meet your preferences. Your inflexibility will drive people away from you.
2. You can honor the relationship. That means that you understand that different people have different needs, priorities, capabilities, preferences, and expectations – and you seek ways to collaborate for a mutually-beneficial experience.
Whatever you want to receive is something you must first give. Instead of approaching an exchange from the perspective of “What’s in it for me?” – find out about the other person’s needs, desires and expectations first.
Try to help them meet their needs and yours at the same time. Explain where your expectations overlap and where there are differences. Seek agreement on the best way to move forward and how you’ll both handle any challenges that arise over the course of your relationship.
Assume that things are going well and you just aren’t seeing it yet. Give them encouragement by acknowledging what’s working and asking for clarification on one aspect that seems out of whack.
Listen with an open heart. Ask what came up that prevented them from sticking with the agreed expectations. Regain their commitment to honor your agreement.
Other people really do want you to be happy and for you to enjoy working with them. Not everyone will meet your high standards – and sometimes your expectations are not realistic. Every situation is an opportunity to collaborate. Both parties have the opportunity to re-set expectations (honor the relationship) or refuse to work together (be right).
Elaine Starling
With all due respect, Ms.elaine ‘s idea sounds too ideal, Whatever she suggests when tried, does not work. Most times people act from their subconscious mind and are not very aware; self-preservation seems to be the modus operandi. which is ok but to promise is to make a commitment and when it is broken, commitment becomes an expectation from the other end. Self-repsect is challenged. It is not about being right. It is about reminding the other person that this is not in the best interests for both.