There was that search for meaning, that longing, the perpetual longing. How would I make sense to myself? My eventful life never seemed to stop until I just couldn’t cope with all its ups and downs. I had successes and failures; I sensed deep love and then the inevitable separation that followed. There was no sanctuary, no peace, no place to call home.
I wondered: is my life controlled by me or am I subject to the whims of events beyond my control? One day I felt great and the next I was depressed. My confusion yielded a search and my despair helped me find answers that were ready-made, packed and arranged. The illusion that now I belonged was so soothing.
Safety, I cried, just give me safety for fear begat my soul, fear became my master.
So they came and they sold me their god, nicely wrapped with a book of laws. I wanted to believe in whatever they told me and so they sold me their stale teaching and their regurgitated news, they told me who to adore and who to abuse. I will be changed they said, I will be a new man but deep inside me the longing did not stop.
The pursuit of happiness drove me insane; I was never good enough for myself, always needing to change to be like the others. I sought approval but was never accepted nor did I feel satisfied. The pursuit of happiness was ceaseless but it gave me hope. It drove me to achieve, to become big and important, to have money and position yet deep inside me still I panicked.
The hope seemed not to deliver its promise that things would work out later, that the pain would cease, that all environments and circumstances would yield to serve me and then I would be happy. It never happened and I knew my life was an empty facade.
One day I couldn’t hold it anymore and fell to my knees from where I was pushed down until my face pressed the ground. I was squeezed, smashed, humiliated, everything inside me collapsed and shattered, there was finally nothing left to cling to, not a slight remnant of hope. I realized the false delusions upon which my life was based and I cried.
I had no choice but to surrender power and say: do with me as you want. My pursuit of happiness was over… praise the lord.
Now I live in the now, am awake in this moment and respond to it with whatever it brings without much judgment. Nothing lasts forever after all; life is a movement that presents itself to me right now.
I can handle it, I can cope with it, I can escort it as it passes through. I can feel it, I experience it with all the faculties I have. I have my integrity, I know what’s right and wrong. I have my creativity to play with, my endurance to go through hell if need be, I have right perspective and within this a sanctuary.
I have my rumbling laughter unabashed and within it ecstasy. I have my dancing shoes, family and friends. I have no fear, better pour me a drink I say, work with me, I am here to cooperate, I am here to celebrate. I cannot be controlled, I fly free in the eternal wind. Bring it on I say, until my last breath, after that I may rest.
Now I listen to it, my breath, so strange, wonderful, mysterious and I realize it is not I that breathes it, it is it that breathes me – this is the gift of life. I am awake now in this moment with whatever it brings, with no wants nor wishes. I have no hopes nor regrets. My strength comes from my own core and that core is a gift I share with all; I am filled with gratitude for it and that gratitude colors my experience.
I remember who I am: I am the traveler in time and the time is now, now and always.
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