We all struggle in our relationships with others. We want to be understood and to understand, but something prevents us from getting to the place we desire in most of our relationships.
And, many times we find relationships where we just don’t connect, can’t relate or fundamentally dislike the other person. We waste time and energy lamenting these relationships, or trying to “fix” another person. The difficult person can consume our focus and zap our energy.
I have learned that the root of our problems with others is that fundamentally we simply don’t understand other people. We don’t take the time to examine what’s really going on in our relationships and instead we rush to label and to judgment. We don’t realize that we all have filters on the world and we don’t “see” others clearly, because our filters blind us.
One person’s life experience cannot possibly be the same as another’s and yet we believe everyone should see things the way we do. We come to our relationships with expectations and baggage and we emotionally heap them on the person we are trying to connect with.
In addition, our filters are clogged with different preferences for communication, different values and different views of what’s important. And so we waste time trying to get others to do it like we do, or see it our way.
The greatest gift we can give another person is to drop our own assumptions about what’s right and wrong. Refuse to color our viewpoint about who someone is, or what they do, with a black brush that says, “That’s bad” or “My way is better”.
The gift includes giving someone a break when they don’t do something the way we want them to. It involves spending the time to put a focus on the other person by asking them questions, by refusing to bring the conversation back onto ourselves and by using our emotional energy, as best we can, to learn what someone else is trying to communicate.
So much of life is wasted on trying to “fix” others. If instead we spent the energy trying to understand others, and at the same time, looking deeply inside of ourselves to understand our own filters and judgments, many of our relationship troubles would disappear overnight. We don’t have to like everyone but if we can work to understand them, we’d all be living in a more peaceful world.
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Come and spend some time with my Aspergers husband and see how well you “understand” him.
My your husband’s Asperger is aggravated by your bad attitude and negative energy. Just a thought.
Maybe your husband’s Asperger syndrome is aggravated by your bad attitude and negative energy. Just a thought.
maybe. And maybe – having spent over 30 years giving in and appeasing and taking second place, and doing what HE wants to keep the peace, and not being able to converse because he is always on another planet; just maybe that has knocked out so much of my stuffing that I struggle just to get through the day. It is easy for someone to ‘come in’ and see him as ‘fine’ and wonder what the fuss is about. Just try it 24/7
Just a thought. Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. Were just from different planets. That is like a Russian, and a Chinese are talking. They don’t understand each other. Take off the filters, and judge yourself. Take a moment, before you respond. Processes what the other person is saying. Yes I try to understand other people. I for one, love to talk. I think I have a great voice. I try to be herd, and understood. Like you say Beverly, filters are to loud, to even hear myself, and understand what I’m saying, because I can barely hear what comes out of my mouth. I think I’m right, and you just don’t understand. That is my ego. Because I think I’m all that. Me, Me, Me. Ego. You, are more important than I. Don’t get me wrong, I like to talk to others, see where, and what they have to say, and see if I had gone through that, to say my experience could help them.
This is my version of how to understand, having a relationship.
simply brilliant; brilliantly simple Thanks.
“….and yet we believe everyone should see things the way we do.” That…in the proverbial nutshell, is such a pivotal realization. The misperception that ‘my way’ is, no doubt, superior…. It takes a conscious effort to elevate that viewpoint a notch or two; to actually realize that there are a myriad of angles from which we can each perceive the same thing…and that they’re all equally valid.
wonderful sentiment which I endorse fully and strive to achieve….even though I don’t always manage to live up to it (:-)
Great reminder regarding getting to know people. I think this can be a big help in the work place to increase worker satisfaction and thus productivity. Team building!
Brilliant message to start my day ! Thank you for sharing !
Thank you for your inspiration:) Yes, it worked for me to drop our own assumption about what’s right or wrong, and focused on the other person by asking questions, so the other person reflexed her/himself. And finally the other person find ways to find their solution.