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Ask a Luminary

“Hi Sara,

I recently discovered your work and have a strong feeling that this was not random luck.

I’m a 48-year woman and I’m not able to move forward in my life. I have always been a loner, not able to connect with people. I had an unpleasant childhood with a dominant mother and 2 long-term relationships in which I experienced violence, both physical and emotional. I’m a very sensitive person, an introvert.

I’m having a relationship right now, but I’m not able to connect with him, both physically and emotionally. My boyfriend is 15 years older. I have this feeling that he’s not in this relationship for the right reasons, maybe this applies for me too. Something tells me it’s better to end it.

I try so much to move forward in my life, yet I’m unable to. I’m in desperate need of some guidance, yet I don’t know where to begin anymore. I’m also wondering, why I attract violent people.” ~ Claire

Dear Claire:

It’s common for soft, sensitive, introverted people, who don’t like conflict, to attract predators and emotional abusers. There are many psychological and energetic reasons for this—I sometimes think of it as the choice of Fight, Flight or Freeze—sensitive, introverted people tend to Freeze when they are attacked or preyed upon by others.

Introverted, sensitive people often seem as likely victims for those who seek to control. There may be many reasons why you are stuck in this pattern—it feels like your relationship with a much older man is another version of this. It may stem from childhood abuse or wounds—I feel that your relationship with your mother set you up to be abused by others. It’s good to work on this with a counselor, from a psychological perspective.

But, energetically, there is also another choice. Because we live in the present moment, we have the chance to choose, in every single moment, how we will act. Just because you have been abused in the past, does not mean that has to be your pattern today, or tomorrow. The past—it is all memory contained in our mind. It does not exist in our present reality—there is only Now. The future—it is all anxiety or conjecture or future thinking. It also doesn’t exist.

You have the very real ability, the very real choice to choose to respond differently to others, today, this minute. It can be scary; it may take all the courage you have. But, when you take this first step, you find that you are more courageous the next time, and so on. It is good to have a support group, as you move forward. This could be a group of women you meet with, a church group, a yoga class, a healer such as massage therapist—or all of these.

48 is much too young to decide that your life is going to be a series of victimizations. Just because you have been victimized until now, does not mean this is your future. You can choose to change, and to create a life that you really enjoy and love.

If you are ready to do intense work, and if you have a support group in place, I suggest you look at my course, Release Yourself From Family Karma. It will help you clear much of the past.

Much love,


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Sara Wiseman is a Nautilus award-winning author and visionary teacher of spiritual intuition. She has reached tens of thousands of students worldwide via her books, courses, podcasts, blog and music. Sara is the founder of Intuition University, hosts the popular podcasts Ask Sara and Spiritual Psychic with over 1.6 million listeners, writes the Daily Divine blog and is top contributor to DailyOM. She has produced four award-winning music albums with her band Martyrs of Sound. She lives in the Pacific Northwest.

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