“My fiancée recently broke up with me after a four year relationship. She said that I kept pushing her away and did not want to communicate with her about our life. I agree that I was not always approachable and at times took her for granted.
Funny thing is, when she left, I realised how much I loved her (expensive lesson to learn). It’s been two months now, and see is seeing someone else, who she says is always there for her and just wants to be with her. (We stayed about an hour drive from each other and I could only see her on weekends.) He is about 15 minutes away from her. I know I messed up by not always being there for her, I know she always told me she couldn’t take it not seeing so little of me. She says she still loves me, but feels we have grown apart and she doesn’t want to hurt this guy as he has done nothing wrong. I do understand that.
How do I get over this as she was part of my life for so long? This is not just being in love with, I truly love this woman. I keep on telling myself if this is meant to be she will find her way back to me, but it’s so difficult sticking with that idea. We had a fantastic time together, she constantly told me she loved me and then asked how I feel. I know she wanted to get married so much and have a family. I have learnt that the guy she is with now is going to ask her to marry him within the next couple of weeks, and it hurts to know if this happens I may lose her forever. I was supposed to be the guy standing in church waiting for her, looking back at her whilst she enters and giving her a big smile.
I need some advice to cope with this as I find myself constantly down thinking about her. I know I should let go, but it’s so hard. What I feel is more than just physical, it’s hard to see myself with someone else and I know time is a healer and if she is truly happy I should let her be. I’m trying to let her go, I really am but God knows I’m struggling. Some people says God does not have a special person for everyone but leaves that choice up to you. I pray each day and this has totally shifted my way of living my life. I want to be better, do things the way God intended me to, but it’s difficult. I still love her so much. Thanks.” ~ Jerome, Cape Town, South Africa
My heart is with you as you face the pain you are experiencing. For some people, a shift in a close relationship often feels like a death and because of that, there is a period of mourning. We don’t get over loss, but we do get on with our lives. It may be especially challenging since you had the desire to spend your life with this woman and now it seems that someone else may be living your dream. One of the things I have learned is that love is never wasted. With this woman, you were at your best and you grew and your heart expanded. Can you take that expansion and love yourself through it? I know that when we feel close to another person, it is hard to imagine life without them in it on a regular basis. One thing to remember is that you had a life prior to your meeting — and will continue to have a life beyond the relationship.
Let yourself feel all of the emotions surrounding this time in your life. Cry, grieve, laugh, stomp about if you need to, smile, appreciate what you had together. Send her love and good wishes for her life. Use this as a way to re-evaluate how you are in relationships. Is keeping emotional distance a pattern? Sometimes people do that out of fear of vulnerability and getting hurt. Be gentle with yourself. Take time to do things that nurture yourself. Spend time with friends, enjoy your hobbies, celebrate love in all forms in your life, not just romance. Let love in. Your heart will heal.