The other night I had such a moment of clarity and sense of surrender that it took my breath away.
I was listening to a track from West Side Story, “Somewhere” (Music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim). Here are a few lyrics:
There’s a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day!
Somewhere.We’ll find a new way of living,
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .
As I listened to the lyric: ‘we’ll find a way of forgiving’, my epiphany came with the thought; maybe the reason I couldn’t give up the anger, pain, and guilt years after my husband’s suicide, was because I still loved him… was I still in love with him?
What if I surrendered my guilt, rage, and pain? What if I let the love sleeping in my heart awaken and breathe? And the moment I tried that on… peace began to enter my being. The indescribable loss began to ebb.
Suicide survivors feel shame at the action of their loved one. Feel anger that the person abandoned them. And excruciating pain at the loss. We feel guilty about the fact that somehow we couldn’t stop it, couldn’t save the person who took their own life.
For every one time that my husband disappointed me, lied to me, drank too much, was irresponsible, there were ten times (in our thirty years together) that we laughed, played, supported and loved each other.
Those times should count for more than the bad times.
I can’t go back and change what happened. But, I can change how I perceive it, how I feel about him and his actions. I can change ME! Why would I want to carry this around with me? I’m doing something wrong if, after seven years, the pain and anger has not subsided. Now that I am acknowledging my undying love for him, the pain is fading.
I believe in the hereafter. For seven years I had fantasized about when I would see my husband again; how I would wail on him, tell him what an a–hole I thought he was. What a coward he was for leaving me. We were supposed to grow old together and he abandoned me and our life together.
Now? All I want to do is run into his arms!
Thank you for sharing your heart and journey with so many who may need your story. I believe that God gives us the ability to remember the good in our lives so we can continue our lives in a way that give glory and honor to Him. My only son died in 2011 at the age of 46. I have so many wonderful memories of my son and God’s word promies me that I will see John again and, this time it will be for eternity. What can get better than great memories and God’s immutable promises! Blessings for the joyful journey in your life.
thank you, Raye for your kind words. Those of us who learn from our travels are indeed
blessed. I am. Warm regards to you. Trish
I heard a very wise Catholic nun say this about suicide a while ago. She said, “some people are so sad, they just can’t be on this earth any longer. I believe God takes care of these people.” I found great comfort in that. I hope you do as well.
Only one person is responsible for the suicide, and that is the person who carries out the act.. No one can stop anyone from leaving this earth, if that is indeed that person’s mission. Please don’t blame yourself. There is no one to blame, it just is.
Thank you, Irisheyes…. It took me years to give up the guilt…I had rescued him from himself for so many years….why didn’t I see it coming?? A million questions. He was lost and this was
his exit. I had very little or nothing to do with it. Thanks for taking the time to send your words of caring! Trish
Dear Trisha,
My only child, my dearest friend, my confidant died in 2011. Please find my story of strength posted as, “Why I Wore My Yellow Dress.” by O. Raye Adkins. I pray for you the peace that I have been given through my son’s love and sweet memories. I sense that you have done so!
Abundant Blessings