Topic: Death

Make Time for What Matters Now, Not ‘Someday’

“Someday is not on the calendar.” Since 1988, that has become my motto. It was on a cold November night that year when my beautiful 23-year-old sister died four inches from my side in the passenger seat of my car. We were hit head-on by a drunk driver. Death of a loved one, or our own near-death, always offers new perspective on what truly matters… and what is simply irrelevant or insignificant. It is an acute reminder of both life’s fragility and unpredictability and, for me, a “note to self” that while our dreams have no expiry date, our physical…

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When you come to terms with your own death, everything else in life is easy.
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How to Honor Your Survival System

We all created a finely-crafted survival system to bury or numb our pain when we were young.  We had to, as it was absolutely necessary for survival.  Life was too scary, and we didn’t have the skills to meet ourselves in our hearts. Our survival system can include compulsions, such as drug and alcohol abuse, shopping, work, sex, the Internet, busyness, self-judgment, and chronic worry.  I think about all of those years that I shut down the pain with food, drugs and alcohol.  In one year alone, I gained 97 pounds.  I would have died of the pain if I…

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The Best Way To Feel Good: Forgiveness

As I was contemplating words of wisdom to bestow, I began to think about what I have done in life that consistently made me feel good about myself and what I have done to make others feel whole. Forgiveness was the constant. It isn't necessary to explain the reasons or go over the situation, because that just brings up the past and everyone's perception of the event. Without discussions or arguments, it's powerful enough to just say it and mean it and accept it. Pride can be such a roadblock that it's difficult to move forward in relationships and life…

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What we can learn from the ice bucket challenge and Robin Williams’ death

The life and death of two prominent and beloved figures were brought into our national consciousness recently: Lou Gehrig and Robin Williams. They brought joy to the lives of others through their respective careers in the limelight—one a professional athlete and the other an entertainer. They died in different ways. Gehrig died slowly and methodically from an illness that now bears his name. Williams took his own life after a long struggle with depression, addiction, and perhaps a different chronic illness looming in his future. Williams’ death brought surprise and sadness. We still ride the ripples as the media presents…

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Making Room for Loss

If you found Dr. Eva Selhub's recent Ask a Luminary response on loss valuable, we invite you to read her more in-depth look at this topic today. I am often asked by my clients and friends alike how they can possibly manage or get over the loss or death of a loved one. My answer to them is always the same. You don’t “get over” a loss, you make room for it. What do I mean by that? When someone you love dies, it is appropriate for you to feel grief.  You miss their laughter, their strange quirkiness, their voice…

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Ask A Luminary

How Can I Get Over the Death of a Loved One?

"I lost both parents within a year, very unexpectedly. I still pick up the phone to call them and feel such an ache inside. How do I fill this void?" ~ Jeri, Poughkeepsie, NY Dear Jeri, Your first step is let go of your goal to “fill this void.” I am not sure we ever completely get over losses; we learn to fill our lives up with other good things so that we do not feel the loss as much. Right now, you need to grieve. It is how the body and mind heal. The loss is a big hole in…

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What I Learned From Grief

The moment my dad died, my life changed forever. It crystallized the sobering reality that tomorrow or even the next minute is not promised to anyone. I had heard that phrase many times in my life, but to witness my father take his last breath when I was only 20 years old made it come alive inside of me. Although we cannot control when or how our story ends, we can maximize the time we have and create a beautiful story for our lives every single day. I am committed to get to the good part and not put my…

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Ask A Luminary

How Can I Recover From the Death of My Spouse?

"My wife died a few months ago after a long illness. She was suffering a lot, so I'm glad she's out of the pain, but I still miss her SO much. My friends want me to start dating again, but I can't let go. How do I recover?"  ~ Nikhil, Arcata, CA Dear Nikhil, I am so sorry about your wife. Traumatic events sometimes feel impossible to recover from. I myself have lost a friend and fellow Marine to the war in Iraq. I recovered from that tragedy when I embraced it. Accept the grief of losing your wife; don't…

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Doing the Right Thing When the Wrong Thing Happens

We have all heard the phrase Life isn’t fair. Some of us who have read the Bible are familiar with the story of Job. In the Book of Job, Job is presented as a family man who lives a good and prosperous life, but is eventually beset with horrendous disasters that take away all he has, including his family, his health, and his property. Job struggles to understand his situation and begins a long search for the right path that will get him out of his extremely difficult situation. Against all odds, with God’s help, Job is restored to a…

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Ask A Luminary

How Can I Move On?

"Recently I lost my wife to cancer. It's been a month and I still cry myself to sleep every night. I don't know how to get over this loss and get back to living. I don't know that I can go on without him. Help!" ~ William, Green Bay, WI Dear William, Your wife would certainly want to be valued, but she would also want you to have a warm, loving, joyous life. Be kind to yourself. Focus on tiny little improvements every day. Every time you start to feel sad, focus on one of your happiest times with your…

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Surrender Equals Peace

The other night I had such a moment of clarity and sense of surrender that it took my breath away. I was listening to a track from West Side Story, "Somewhere" (Music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim). Here are a few lyrics: There's a time for us, Some day a time for us, Time together with time spare, Time to learn, time to care, Some day! Somewhere. We'll find a new way of living, We'll find a way of forgiving Somewhere . . . As I listened to the lyric: ‘we’ll find a way of forgiving’, my epiphany…

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Under Construction: The Sign I Wear Mentally !

A famous psychologist (his first name is Phil) talks about the fact that we all have pivotal points in our lives; crossroads, if you will, where we can turn down a path of self-pity, victimism, feeling anger at the world and an urge to 'give up'. Or turning the other way and seeking empowerment, happiness, and a full life. In August of 2006, I experienced a harsh, heartbreaking pivotal point in my life when my husband of thirty years died suddenly. He took his own life. Sure, I knew he was going through some kind of mid-life crisis or other.…

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Home Alone For The Holidays – Finding Joy

This time of year so often seems to fly by for most of us, but perhaps not so fast for Baby Boomers who are alone. The many office and neighborhood parties, family visits, shopping, and tree lighting ceremonies can be difficult for someone who is alone for the first time in years. Many of our Baby Boomer friends and family members are struggling to keep the joy of the holiday season while their minds are full of thoughts and memories of a loved one who has recently passed on. It’s very difficult to keep a smile on your face when…

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Rethinking the Next Stage of Your Life

Imagine a GPS that is set on a certain course. You know where you want to go, you type in the address and then trust that it will direct you to your destination. One thing that the machine may not comprehend is that there are times when detours, accidents and road construction get in the way of an otherwise direct route. What does the voice in hand-held device calmly and in a matter-of-fact manner say to you? One simple word: RECALCULATING. Then it goes about its job of re-directing your trip. In 2008, my inner GPS did a major recalculation. My…

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Angels Surround Us

When I was a young girl, barely in my twenties, my grandmother (then eighty-nine) turned to me. I still remember the look in her haunted eyes: "I'm so afraid of dying," she said. I didn't know what to say. I fled. For years it lay on my conscious that I had let her down. Today, years later, I've had so many personal experiences with angels and spirits and the invisible guardians that watch over us that I wish I had a second chance. I wish I'd said, "It's all right. There is no death. You are eternal - even your…

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Happy Birthday Mom

My mother would have been 78 years old today, had she not passed away from a very unexpected, very sudden stroke nearly 6 months ago. She went from a healthy, vibrant, active senior, still working out daily and riding her bicycle many miles each week, to comatose within 15 minutes and passing away within a day. There was no warning and no time to say “Goodbye for now”. We all know that  our parents will pass away. It’s all part of the circle of life and is nothing surprising- until it happens to us. Then, life as we know it…

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Love Never Dies: The Passing of My Mother

My world changed one week ago, when my mother had a stroke. One minute she was pulling weeds in her garden and the next minute she was in a coma in the hospital, from a blood vessel that had burst in her brain. When I got the news, I flew from our home in Montana to my hometown in Pennsylvania. Even though I left as soon as possible, my mother never regained consciousness, and passed away the day after I arrived. I was blessed to spend her last night by her bedside in the hospital and talked with her most…

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Love Never Dies: An Interview with Maureen Hancock

I had a great conversation last week with my mother-in-law, which in and of itself, isn't remarkable. What's remarkable however, is the fact that she passed away more than two years ago. Last week, I had the pleasure of interviewing today's Inspirational Luminary, Maureen Hancock. After an hour of questions, I thanked Maureen and our interview ended. That's when she asked me if I'd like to "speak" to anyone. To explain this in the proper context, Maureen is a spirit medium who has been communicating with dead people since she was a small child. After reading her book, The Medium…

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If You Could Know The Date of Your Death, Would You Want To Know?

When I first read Michael Bungay Stanier's Today's Brilliance, I was surprised to see the date of his death included. "September 15, 2043 is the big date", according to Michael and his statistical analysis, predicting the exact date of his death. Seeing it in writing stopped me in my tracks. If we could know the exact day of our demise... would you want to know? While it might be great for financial planning, how would knowing the date affect the quality of the days we have here to LIVE? I have friends that have gone to Nadi astrological readers in…

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