The other night I had such a moment of clarity and sense of surrender that it took my breath away.
I was listening to a track from West Side Story, “Somewhere” (Music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim). Here are a few lyrics:
There’s a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
We’ll find a new way of living,
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .
As I listened to the lyric: ‘we’ll find a way of forgiving’, my epiphany came with the thought; maybe the reason I couldn’t give up the anger, pain, and guilt years after my husband’s suicide, was because I still loved him… was I still in love with him?
What if I surrendered my guilt, rage, and pain? What if I let the love sleeping in my heart awaken and breathe? And the moment I tried that on… peace began to enter my being. The indescribable loss began to ebb.
Suicide survivors feel shame at the action of their loved one. Feel anger that the person abandoned them. And excruciating pain at the loss. We feel guilty about the fact that somehow we couldn’t stop it, couldn’t save the person who took their own life.
For every one time that my husband disappointed me, lied to me, drank too much, was irresponsible, there were ten times (in our thirty years together) that we laughed, played, supported and loved each other.
Those times should count for more than the bad times.
I can’t go back and change what happened. But, I can change how I perceive it, how I feel about him and his actions. I can change ME! Why would I want to carry this around with me? I’m doing something wrong if, after seven years, the pain and anger has not subsided. Now that I am acknowledging my undying love for him, the pain is fading.
I believe in the hereafter. For seven years I had fantasized about when I would see my husband again; how I would wail on him, tell him what an a–hole I thought he was. What a coward he was for leaving me. We were supposed to grow old together and he abandoned me and our life together.
Now? All I want to do is run into his arms!